wide-awake

Can't sleep, again. Between mild contractions and Ella kicking inside of me, I tossed in bed for an hour before deciding to get up and give my husband a break from my tossing and turning. Poor guy. He's been so incredibly busy and is totally exhausted. I didn't have the heart to keep him up any longer. So...I will blog! :)

A mature Pastor's wife once mentioned to me that I would have to develop "tough skin" being in the ministry and being married to a Pastor. The thought didn't set well in my mind at the time. When Thomas and I were first engaged/married, I was extremely sensitive and self-conscious of the way I was perceived as "a Pastor's Wife". I hid my outgoing and too-talkative personality around "church-people" and made sure that I never stuck out. I desperately wanted people to view me as a grown-up! Not as a silly 18 year old child. My husband was (and always has been) an encouraging and empowering spouse. He constantly reminded me of the giftings the Lord has placed in me and encouraged me not to shrink back from them due to my age. He has a way of taking me from feeling like a small girl to a regal queen.
Anyways, I sure didn't feel like I had "tough skin". Any negative word spoken about me was taken to heart, even if it was unintentional or joking. Even during our marriage preparation, I got so sick and tired of the typical reaction to our engagement. Instead of gushing over questions about what our wedding colors would be, when the date was or even how I was proposed to, I got: "You're getting married? How old are you?" Followed by a haughty sniff and a critical stare. Oh, and the classic from old high school friends, "She must be pregnant."

Of course, these came from people that had no idea the uniqueness of our courtship and relationship. Everyone close to us and everyone that had opinions that actually mattered to us were 100% behind us and supporting our marriage. And of course, here we are 4 1/2 years later!! :)

The first year of our marriage was a lonely time for me as far as not having many girlfriends. As all my friends were preparing for prom and college, I was putting away my wedding dress, painting our first home and planning meals for my husband every night! I poured myself into my home, my husband and work and began noticing a gradual change in myself. There was a wall being formed! New relationships began, but only went so deep. I wasn't sure how to let my personality shine through, afraid of what others might think. A couple years later, after a specific extremely hard and critical season, I completely put my guard up. My trust was broken toward relationships and I was going to make sure that didn't happen again. Sure, I had my 1 or 2 really close girlfriends that I could confide with and be completely open and honest to, but that was it.

Fast forward. Two weeks ago, the speaker for our Women's Summer Bible Study talked about breaking down walls we've built up around us. At the end of the study, she asked us all to have some quiet time with the Lord and ask Him to reveal any walls that we sub-consciously built up. I was running the sound system that night and found myself sighing as I heard her say that. I sat back in my chair after flipping on some dim lighting and "soaking music". I could already feel emotions rising up around the room. It was like a heavy dew. Get a group of ladies in one room and ask them to dig up old, forgotton feelings of inadaquecy, depression and rejection and you might as well ask for a bawling session. Sad to say, but I didn't really participate as much as I should have that night. For about 4 minutes, I prayed and asked the Lord to reveal my "walls" to me, but shut down when I heard His gentle voice whisper in my ear. Ugh, I didn't want to go there! So I pushed it away and left early.

Fast forward to tonight. I was lying in my bed and a word kept repeating over and over in my mind: Tenderness. Where has all my tenderness gone? Then I remembered the advice about getting "tough skin". There's got to be a balance. 5 years ago, I was young, open, a little naive and very trusting. I also cared too much about what others thought and was willing to change my personality to minimize any critical judgements.
Today, even nurses at the hospital complain of how "tough" my skin is! Literally! It takes 3 nurses and 10 different pokes to get an IV going in me. No joke. But seriously, I don't let my mind wander anymore about what others think about me or look for approval from anyone other than my Maker. I know I am right where I need to be and doing what I should be doing. I am confident. But as I was lying awake tonight, I was saddened at the lack of tenderness I have shown lately. I want to be transparent and tender. It's so hard for a woman to do that. It's hard for me to do that. It's like I have to take a deep breath and risk people seeing the raw me. It's easy for me to put on my Sunday face and look like my life is perfectly fine and I don't have a concern in the world, but incredibly hard for me to let my guard down and say, "This week was hard! I'm hurting and heartsick." Then I realize, hello Amity! You are human. Better yet, your are a woman not a robot!

Tonight the Lord gently lifted a curtain from my eyes. I asked Him to restore that child-like innocence, trust and tenderness. I also began lifting up a wall that has been building up. I don't think it will all happen overnight, but it will be a process. I think, little by little, my Father will show me where those bricks in the wall came from and I can break them down from there.

Now, I get to chew on all of this and try to sleep!